


The Garden

by bioticbootyshaker



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Gen, M/M, post-ME3, safe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-24
Updated: 2012-10-24
Packaged: 2017-11-16 23:49:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/545169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bioticbootyshaker/pseuds/bioticbootyshaker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After crashing on a strange planet after the destruction of the Citadel, the group finds themselves stuck for the time being.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [yarnandtea](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yarnandtea/gifts).



The Garden

i. Emergency Landing

They had taken to calling the planet they had been forced to make an emergency landing on – Joker refused to call it a crash – ‘The Garden.’

Their systems were fried, either from the crash – _emergency landing_ – or riding the shockwave of the explosion. EDI tried to raise communications, but after a few futile hours, both she and Joker threw in the towel. Joker estimated the damage to be extensive, but fixable. “Two, three days,” he said, “Tops. Lucky that blast didn’t fry our _engines_ completely or we’d be really screwed. Gonna be pretty hard work, but hey, at least the scenery’s nice.”

He was right about that. That was when James first said, “The Garden,” and everyone seemed to accept it as the planet’s rightful name. It was green, none of them had ever _seen_ so much green, and humid. The air was heavy with the sweet scent of flowers none of them knew the names of, and breathing was sometimes difficult. Extended periods without helmets and they started to feel light-headed, a little weak in the knees. EDI encouraged them to go no longer than a few hours without a breathing apparatus.

“Like the Garden of Eden?” Kaidan asked James. Only a few hours after their ‘emergency landing’, both of them still too deep in shock to have many worries or fears. James had said adrenaline was better than oxygen, but Kaidan begged to differ.

James wiped sweat from his forehead and grinned, giving a bashful nod as though he expected Kaidan to find the name silly. “Yeah,” James said, “Mythology’s never been my thing, but I remember that much. Paradise, right? Promised Land. This place feels pretty damn close.”

“Pretty damn close,” Kaidan agreed.

There was just one problem: Shepard wasn’t with them.

None of them mentioned Shepard. He was a shadow that loomed over them, a shade that could be sensed along the spine but never seen. Kaidan realized too late that he was taking his absence much harder than the others; they found him in Shepard’s cabin on the Normandy, looking at the fish floating belly-side up in his tank. Kaidan started crying and screaming until they came and dragged him off, Liara administering a sedative to calm him down. 

“Never saw anything like it,” James said later, when Kaidan was calm and cognizant enough to be deeply ashamed of himself. “Wailin’ like a Banshee, breaking shit... Thought Scars was gonna put a bullet in you before the Doc could get you calmed down.”

“It’s not right that Shepard’s not here,” Kaidan whispered, “He should get to see this. I just... I mean, he worked so hard to get us all here, to keep us alive, and now what?”

“Now nothing,” James said, “Those are the stakes, Vanilla. You’re not new to war.”

No, that much was true. He was an old soldier, an old dog, and he was tired of fighting, tired of losing, tired of watching good friends die so that others could live. All Kaidan could do was nod, slowly, and wrap the blanket Liara had draped over him tighter around his shoulders. The nights on the Garden were cold, colder than he was used to, but it kept him awake. Kaidan wouldn’t have said so out loud, but he thought James was having trouble sleeping as well. They sat up together for most of the night, sometimes talking, but mostly watching the sky and being content to have another person breathing beside them.

“It’s kind of cute,” Garrus remarked, “Here we are stranded on some strange planet and the two of you are cuddling under a blanket.”

“Hey now,” James said, “I don’t _cuddle._ It’s freezin’ out here, Scars.”

“I’m sure the Major is nice and warm,” Garrus said. It was difficult to tell when a Turian was smiling, but Kaidan knew Garrus was; just like he knew he dropped them a wink before he walked away.

“You know... I wonder what Shepard would think of this place,” Kaidan whispered.

“He’d like it,” James said, “Green, pretty, _clean_. About a million miles away from the rest of the Galaxy. No Reapers, no husks, no one asking you for favors or telling you you’re a fuck-up. Yeah... Shepard would love it here. Probably have a summer home.”

“I hope he can see it someday,” Kaidan said. He leaned his head against James’ shoulder without thinking. Really, what did it matter? At that point James was as much an old soldier as Kaidan, and sometimes two old soldiers had to prop each other up. 

“Me too, Major,” James said. “Me too.”

****

Two or three days had been an optimistic estimation. Joker assured them they’d be fully operational and ready to fly in a week. “Tops,” he said, though he sounded and looked dubious. EDI could be counted on for the truth, as she had yet to master the human ability of softening the blow of difficult news. 

“A month,” she said. She went into a deep explanation of exactly what was wrong and what it would take to fix it, and Kaidan felt his eyes crossing. Adams hung around to chat about the necessary steps to take to get the Normandy back into fighting shape, but Kaidan wandered away. 

“I could handle a month of this,” Cortez sighed. He, Liara, Kaidan and Garrus stood at the edge of a cliff. Underneath them, a lake glimmered in the sun. James was down there, bare-chested, looking for fish. Cortez encouraged him with shouts of, “Put your ass into it, Mr. Vega!” and “Don’t make me come down there and get half-naked with you, _cabron_!” 

“I hope the Lieutenant knows we have more than enough food aboard the Normandy to last us for several years,” Liara murmured, smiling behind her hand.

“Don’t ruin it for me,” Cortez said, “Let him think he’s doing something heroic. He needs the ego boost, and I don’t mind watching him splash around half-naked for a few hours.”

“You’re one devious son of a bitch,” Garrus said.

“I take my pleasures however they come,” Cortez chuckled.

As usual, Kaidan was quiet. The others assumed he was deep in thought, too absorbed in his grief over Shepard and all that had happened to add much to the conversation. In truth, Kaidan was enjoying the show James was putting on almost as much as Cortez. He wanted to pretend he didn’t like the way his muscular back looked when he was bent over, or that he didn’t notice the water clinging to his abs or how, despite the heat, his nipples were stiff. Kaidan licked his lips and looked away.

“You know, I think we need to gather some firewood or something. If James wants to pretend we’re roughing it in the wilderness, I say we pull out all the stops.”

“I like the way you think,” Garrus said, “Come on, let’s go be men and destroy a few dozen trees.”

“Goddess,” Liara sighed, “You’d think with all we have to put up with we would actually want to make things _easier_ for ourselves when we can. There is no need to go and chop firewood.”

“No need,” Garrus said, “But a hell of a _want_.”

“I assume you’ll be joining them?” Liara asked Steve.

“Not on your life,” Cortez said. He took a seat at the cliffside and gave James a loud whistle. 

****

That evening, they all gathered around a fire. Javik called them all primitives, but that was nothing new, he had always called them primitives. They told jokes, and laughed, and picked over the questionable catches James had made, ribbing him the whole time. “I don’t know,” Garrus said, “I think a few more of these and I might consider it a pre-meal snack.”

“Those fuckers are slippery,” James grumbled, “Not like I got a pole, Scars.”

“Not the right kind, anyway,” Cortez said, slinging an arm over James’ shoulders.

“‘Sides which,” James said, “Esteban was distracting me with that pretty face of his.”

“Thought it was my big mouth,” Steve laughed, “Good to know, Mr. Vega.”

It felt good for all of them to be together, to still be alive no matter where they were stranded or for how long. Kaidan looked around the fire and realized there wasn’t a person there he wouldn’t die for, or a person who wouldn’t die for him. Shepard had brought them together, stitching them into a single unit a little haphazardly. Maybe he hadn’t known what he was doing, but he had sure as hell known that he needed them. They worked best when they worked together, even when that work amounted to gathering firewood and catching fish with their hands. 

“All in all, though, if I had to end up anywhere in the galaxy, with any group of people... I’d pick this place,” Kaidan said. “I’d pick all of you.”

 

“That’s very sweet,” Liara said, bumping her knee against his, “But that doesn’t mean you get the last bite of fish.”

“As for me, I’d much rather be on Omega,” Garrus said, “Now don’t get me wrong, I love all of you. Well, not all of you, but there’s... there’s a good forty percent of you that I’m just crazy about. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t rather be down in Omega, where that throbbing music gets inside of you, with an Asari on my lap.”

“Oh, that is... Deplorable,” Liara said.

“What can I say? I’m a simple kind of guy.”

“I just want to be on the Normandy,” Cortez said. 

“Same here,” Joker murmured. 

It went on like that for nearly fifteen minutes, all of them saying where they wanted to be, what they wanted to do, how they wanted to live, who they wanted to be with. James remained quiet with Steve’s arm still around his shoulder. He stared into the fire, more somber than Kaidan ever remembered seeing him. 

“What about you, Lieutenant?” Kaidan asked, quietly, “Where do you wanna be?”

James shrugged. 

“Bet he’d like to be with me,” Garrus said. “Right, Vega? All the drinks and girls a guy needs. Plus you’re pretty much _encouraged_ to knock some heads on Omega.”

James whispered something.

_What?_ A few of them asked in unison.

“Earth,” James said, roughly, probably louder than he had intended. He shrugged out from under Steve’s arm and stood. “That’s where I wanna be. Where I should be. You wanna go knock some heads in and get a lap dance, Scars? Great. You wanna be on board the Normandy, Esteban? Hey, more power to you, she’s sittin’ right there. You wanna be _here,_ Major? _Here_? Instead of your home? Instead of seeing whether the people you love are still alive, you wanna be _here_?”

James sighed and shook his head, throwing up his hands and walking towards the cliffside in the dark. Liara moved to follow him, but Kaidan grabbed her shoulder, gently, and shook his head.

“Let me go,” Kaidan said, “He needs someone to take all this crap out on. Might as well be me.”

****

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” James said, without looking around. He was sitting at the cliffside, his body a dark shape against the sky. “I’m sorry I said what I did, I guess, but I ain’t sorry for feeling what I feel.” James finally looked over his shoulder, saw that it was Kaidan, and looked back down at the lake sitting peacefully under the moon. “We good, Vanilla?”

“Hey, yeah,” Kaidan said, taking a seat beside James, “We’re good. Never stopped being good.”

Silence stretched out between them. Kaidan’s concept of time was entirely shot, but he figured they sat together in silence for nearly a half hour before James whispered, “I wanna be home so bad, man.”

Kaidan rested his hand on the nape of James’ neck, rubbing absently. He reflected on all the good people they had lost -- down on Earth, on Palaven, on Tuchanka, on Thessia and all the worlds between. He thought of Ash and how she had accepted her fate on Virmire with her dark eyes steady and focused and not even a waver in her voice. He thought of Thane, of Mordin, of Legion, of a hundred others who had sacrificed themselves so that they could get to where they were.

He thought of Shepard, strong, stubborn, too damn tenderhearted for his own good, running into that bright light with the entire galaxy on his shoulders. 

“I know,” Kaidan said, “So do I. There’s not a person here who doesn’t wanna be home and with the people they love. But... Sometimes you have to be thankful to be where you are.”

 

“Save that shit for Allers, Vanilla,” James muttered, “I don’t need any fucking greeting card crap.”

“You’re alive,” Kaidan said, squeezing on the back of Vega’s neck, “You’re alive and there’re plenty of people who aren’t. Be a little grateful for that. Be grateful there’s still an Earth to go home _to_.”

He had to remember how young James was. It was easy to forget, after everything they had been through, that he was little more than a kid in armor plating. His jaw might’ve been made of steel, but his heart was made of tissue paper. 

“Yeah,” James grunted, “Don’t think I’m not grateful, ‘cause I am. Grateful to everyone. To Shepard.” His muscles tensed under Kaidan’s hand as the name moved past his lips. James sighed. “Damn grateful.”

“It’s cold,” Kaidan said, gently, “Let’s get back, soldier.”

“Nah, I wanna stay here for awhile,” James said. “I like it.”

Kaidan’s hand wandered down James’ wide back, feeling every shift and strain of his muscles through his thin shirt. It didn’t feel all that cold, really; it felt a little warmer than it had a few seconds earlier. “Okay,” Kaidan said, his voice raspier than usual, “Sure. I guess I should... get back though.”

“You can stay,” James whispered, “You know, if you want.”

Kaidan smiled, tracing his fingers down James’ spine. “Yeah, I think I will,” he said, “For a little while.”


	2. It's Complicated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waking up from a bad dream, Kaidan discovers his bed isn't empty. Still reeling from Shepard's death and all the words he left unsaid, Kaidan is forced to make a decision.

**ii. It’s Complicated**

A scream was trapped in his throat. Kaidan shot up from bed with his chest heaving and sweat clinging to his temples and back. There was a name locked behind his teeth, and he couldn’t bring himself to let it escape. The dream was vivid for a moment, hanging in front of his eyes like one of those fancy projections they showed on the Citadel -- and then it faded, leaving him feeling disoriented and weak.

He couldn’t remember much, just that everything had been dark and frantic. He had been looking for someone, screaming their name, clawing his way through rubble until his fingernails peeled back and blood flowed over the debris. _Shepard_ , he thought, outside of the dream and within it, _Shepard, it’s over now, it’s okay. You did it. You can come home now._

There was a body sleeping beside him. Kaidan noticed the heat from the other side of the bed a few seconds before the person under the blankets started to snore. It was hell living in that kind of haze, not knowing where he was or what he was doing or who the hell was sleeping beside him. There was an agonizing moment where Kaidan was certain he was back on Horizon, forced to repeat history all over again -- a woman sleeping who would be dead in a handful of hours, a woman whom he had known a short time, bedded, and then forgotten. A woman who was dragged off by the Collectors with an entire galaxy never knowing her name or who she was or how she enjoyed Kaidan’s mouth on her throat.

“Cold,” the body on the other side of the bed muttered. No, not a woman. That voice was deep and masculine and made all the hairs on Kaidan’s body stand on end. “Mm, c’mon Major, share the blanket.”

_James._

“Shit,” Kaidan whispered.

How had he forgotten? It wasn’t like they had been drunk and fumbled together on the bed while giggling like two school boys. No, they had been aware -- almost _too aware_ \-- of one another. Kaidan remembered thinking it was like taking a shot of adrenaline to the heart, everything had been focused and sharp. They had kissed, all tongue and teeth, and Kaidan had whimpered against James’ mouth. Large hands had run over his body, down to his hips and thighs, up to knot in his hair, around to cup and squeeze his ass.

Then... teeth on him, pulling at his skin, bruising him in a way that made his breath catch and his fingers catch on James’ t-shirt and his legs catch around his waist. _You got a damn nice way of makin’ a guy feel wanted, Vanilla,_ he remembered James purring against his throat, _You like this?_

Too sharp, too focused, too raw, too visceral.

Shadows on his skin and James between his thighs and two bodies becoming one, for a little while at least. For an eternity in that dark, in that closeness. Kaidan remembered dragging his nails down James’ back and listening to the Lieutenant’s low, throaty chuckle. _Easy with the merchandise, Vanilla_ , he’d said, before Kaidan was moving his body and the nickname ‘Vanilla’ lost all of its credibility.

Kaidan sat there, remembering the previous night, absently stroking his fingers over the ring shaped bruise on his collarbone. The shape of Vega’s teeth. “Shit,” Kaidan whispered again, sliding to the edge of the bed. He threw the blanket over James’ exposed legs and stood from the bed, stretching.

“You leavin’?” James asked. His voice was a mumble from the bed.

“Uh... No. Yeah. I mean... Bathroom.”

Eloquence had always been his strong-suit.

The good thing about their situation was that the Normandy was still in good enough shape for them to sleep for a few hours in their cabins. The shields were down, but she had enough juice to provide adequate oxygen and warmth. Joker boasted it was because she was the best ship in the galaxy, but Kaidan thought it was because they’d gotten lucky and her environ systems and mass effect fields hadn’t been completely obliterated.

Kaidan splashed cold water onto his face and leaned against the sink. He keyed at his Omni-tool until the familiar orange glow illuminated the small room and showed him his own haggard face in the mirror. No extranet connection with everything that had happened, but it still made a decent light-source.

No sugar-coating it, he looked like shit. Which was good because he _felt_ like shit. If there was one thing Kaidan enjoyed, it was consistency.

Strong, thick arms wrapped around his waist. Kaidan gasped -- a reaction that was not, under any circumstances, a _soldier’s_ reaction -- and then sighed when he felt Vega’s wide, solid chest pressed against his back. Lips touched the side of Kaidan’s throat, wandering up to brush over his stubbled jaw.

Kaidan licked his lips and cleared his throat. “Ah... You know... I was coming back. I mean, I wasn’t going to just leave or anything.”

He’d been considering it of course, but it seemed like, well, an asshole thing to do.

 

“I know you wouldn’t do that, Major,” James said. His fingertips were rough and callused, but they inched down Kaidan’s belly with infinite tenderness. Kaidan held his breath, waiting for the awkwardness to settle into his bones, waiting for the moment to get tense and uncomfortable and not what he wanted. Instead, he sighed James’ name when his hand brushed against his cock, slipping his hands and curling his nails into James’ biceps.

His Omni-tool flickered out, leaving them in darkness. Kaidan felt James’ breath against his ear and on his temple, and his body melted against him, his knees quivering when James took a firmer hold of his hardening cock.

“You happy to see me, Kaidan?” James asked, voice rough and thick with a chuckle on Kaidan’s temple. Kaidan wanted to point out that with the lights out and his Omni-tool dark he couldn’t even see him. He also wanted to point out that it was the first time he could remember where James had called him ‘Kaidan’. The most Kaidan could do was grunt -- what seemed to him a perfectly reasonable response when a guy had you by the dick -- and rest his head on James’ shoulder.

James reminded him, once more, how much of a difference in age there was between them. He was energized, ready for another round, hard against Kaidan’s back. Kaidan, meanwhile, was sore, and wanted a shower. He sighed -- what could have been heard as a lustful sigh to James’ ears but was in all honesty only a _tired_ sigh -- and wrapped his fingers around James’ wrist.

“Not right now,” Kaidan whispered, “I’m, uh, just not really...”

“Hey, sorry,” James said, letting his hand fall to Kaidan’s hip. He pressed a kiss against his graying temple. “Didn’t mean to bug you, Major.”

“No, you’re not... You know, I was just gonna take a shower is all.” Kaidan chewed at his bottom lip for a moment, stroking his fingers over James’ knuckles. “You could join me. I guess. If you wanted to.”

“Hell yeah,” James said, nuzzling his nose against Kaidan’s temple. “Anyone gets curious we’ll just tell ‘em we’re conserving water.”

Stepping into the shower with Vega, Kaidan expected him to be a little handsy, probably try to start up what he’d been doing before. Kaidan was surprised -- he wouldn’t go so far as to say _pleasantly_ surprised -- when the most James did was lather his hair, soap his back, and keep his kisses chaste and soft against Kaidan’s shoulders.

“Damn,” James whispered, “You got some cute ass freckles, Major.”

Kaidan laughed, feeling his face heat up, from the steam of the shower, or just flushed from James’ voice and breath on his shoulder-blade. He didn’t know what he was doing when James was close to him, but then again, he hadn’t known what he was doing since they’d landed on Earth and everything had gone to hell. He supposed in a lot of ways, Shepard had been his compass. With Shepard gone, he was drifting, not lost exactly, not hopeless, but _drifting._

“You were having bad dreams,” James whispered, his arms strong and a little too tight around Kaidan’s middle, his voice and breath moving into Kaidan’s ear. “You... wanna talk about it?”

“No,” Kaidan said. “There’s not much to talk about. I don’t remember much, and I don’t really, ah... Just... no. I’m okay.”

James seemed satisfied to let it drop. If there was one thing about the Lieutenant Kaidan could say he enjoyed it was how easy-going he was. That and his body, which Kaidan just realized was wet and naked and pressed against him. He took James’ hand and placed it over his groin, tipping his head back and sighing.

“You know, I think I changed my mind Lieutenant.”

James grinned.

****

“I want you to be straight with me, Major,” James said, sitting on the cliffside -- what Kaidan had started to think of as their cliffside no matter how silly it sounded -- with his legs dangling over the sides. “When we’re gone from here, what’s it gonna be like?”

“Not sure I follow you,” Kaidan murmured. He did, of course, but it was easier to feign ignorance than admit that what they’d had going for the past few weeks was a lot of smoke and heat but very little fire. Kaidan couldn’t see it sustaining, and it made him a little sad. Actually, it made him sad in a way he hadn’t fully anticipated.

“You ain’t dumb, Vanilla,” James snapped, before sighing and dragging his fingers through his hair. “Shit. What I mean is... Is this just... gonna stop? I mean we hop on board the Normandy and we go wherever we go and it’s just over? Is it just...” James let his fingers slide down his face, rubbing his jaw roughly. “Just... _shore leave_?”

In the past, Kaidan preferred to avoid such intimate and emotionally tangled conversations. They always left him twisted up in knots, not sure of what to do or say to make the other person feel the slightest bit better. He wanted to tell James he liked what they had, he liked having someone to curl up against when he fell asleep, he liked having someone to wake up to. He liked having someone kiss his freckles and soap his back and slide their fingers through his hair.

What Kaidan said was, “It’s complicated. For me.”

“You have somethin’ with him?” James asked. As usual, he pulled no punches. He was direct, rough, throwing all of his weight into it. His tact, Kaidan decided, was only marginally better than a Krogan’s. If James couldn’t heatbutt it and twist it into submission, he shrugged and let it go.

“With... who? You’re not making sense.”

“The Commander,” James said, “You and him have something going on? I mean, we all want him here, we all miss him, but you... This ain’t just grief, Vanilla, this is love or something. You dream about him a lot, hear you whisperin’ his name in the middle of the night.”

“No, it’s---”

 

Years of looking at each other through smoke and fire. Dodging bullets and applying medi-gel and holding bandages over wounds too deep to heal without stitches. Years of eyes locked and teeth locked and throats locked around words too raw and naked to be said. Years, mostly, of friendly hands on backs of necks and shoulders and around forearms. Of kisses on his temple when a migraine threatened; nothing sexual, nothing intimate, just friendly lips, tender on him, always there.

“Complicated,” Kaidan whispered.

“ _Un_ complicate it,” James said.

“Yeah it’s... Probably over,” Kaidan murmured. He hated that he was being such a coward about it. If you were going to end things with someone you could at least have the courage to speak above a throaty rumble. “You’re something else, James, and maybe if things were different... If _we_ were different... maybe it’d work.”

James was quiet for a few minutes. He looked up at the sky and let the moonlight touch his face. Kaidan waited for him to yell, or whine, or throw a punch, or a multitude of other childish things he himself would have done at James’ age.

“Okay,” James said, softly, looking at Kaidan. He smiled sadly and grazed his thumb over Kaidan’s lower lip. “Thanks for givin’ me a month, Major. And hey, no matter what happens, I’m gonna remember this place.” He looked away from Kaidan and down at the lake, nothing more than a mirror for the sky. “I’m gonna remember you. Or us. Or whatever it was.”

“I want to uncomplicate it,” Kaidan whispered, leaning in and pressing a kiss against Vega’s bicep. “I just... can’t. It’s not just Shepard it’s... everything. It’s this place, it’s Earth, it’s the war we stopped, it’s the war we have on the horizon. It’s you. It’s me. It’s...”

“Complicated,” James said, nodding slowly. “I got it, Vanilla.”

What else was there to say? Kaidan wanted to leave it alone, he wanted to let whatever they’d had together keep its dignity and its sweetness. James was too damn young to understand and too damn young to try. He was good, though, damn good. Too good, some people might have said, but Kaidan thought if more people were like James Vega, there’d be a hell of a lot less war to prepare for.

“Kaidan,” James called, when Kaidan was half-way back to their make-shift camp. He looked back at James over his shoulder, just a broad shadow against the sky. Broad in Kaidan’s hands, maybe, but against the sky he looked tragically small.

“Take care of yourself,” James said.

Kaidan nodded. “Yeah... Hey... You too, James.”

He left it alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Commission for [yarnandtea](archiveofourown.org/users/yarnandtea)


	3. Soft Landing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back on Earth, Kaidan struggles to let go of Shepard and make a fresh start.

**iii. Soft Landing**

Leaving the Garden was harder than any of them had expected. For a short while they had been closed off from the rest of the galaxy, left to worry about their homes, true, but also left to joke, and laugh, and be together without the stress of destroyed worlds and razed cities and dead brethren.

Selfish as it was, every one of them would miss the place. Green, lush, warm, _theirs_.

Kaidan would miss the nights in his cabin, with James sleeping beside him, his big body taking up most of the bed and the blanket. He would miss, more than anything, James’ breath on his throat when he was waking up, the little catch in his breathing before his fingers were finding soft, tender places on Kaidan’s body.

He said goodbye to the Garden, and to James. He let it be.

****

London had taken the brunt of the Reaper’s attacks, and while Kaidan wanted to help wherever he was most needed, he ended up in Vancouver, standing on the front step of the house he had grown up in. The wind was sharp at his back, biting at his exposed neck. It kept him sharp. He knocked and his mother answered and she clucked her tongue at his bare neck and fingers and kissed his forehead the way she had when he had been small.

“I thought you might call before you came,” she said, sitting him down and wrapping a blanket around Kaidan’s shoulders. “But, then, you never were fond of calling.”

“Mom,” Kaidan started.

“I’m teasing,” she said. Her smile was lovely; warm, sweet, _home_.

He wanted to ask about his dad, see if she had heard any news, but it was late and he didn’t want to open up that particular can of worms. They both knew he wasn’t coming home. They never said as much, but it was written in the shadows and lines of their faces, and lived as a constant shadow over their hearts. Kaidan kissed his mother on the forehead with the same tenderness she had kissed him, and turned in for the night.

Lying in the bed he had slept in for most of his adolescence, Kaidan’s mind drifted. The Garden, James’ broad back sweaty under his hands, Liara whispering she wanted to be on Thessia with her sisters, Joker saying, “A week. Tops,” Garrus on Omega with Asari draped over him and that look in his eyes that said, no, I want to be home, I want to be with my people.

Thoughts that amounted to nothing, just drifting, just driftwood, just nothing. Cortez whistling at Vega as he tried to grab fish from the lake, his teeth showing in a grin, but an ineffable sadness in his eyes.

Almost asleep, still drifting, he thought of Shepard.

_You need to sleep, Major, I need you sharp._

Kaidan chuckled. It was, perhaps, the saddest, loneliest noise he’d ever made. “Sorry, Commander,” he whispered, “Right away, sir.”

_Kaidan. Before we go down there, I want to tell you... I want to say..._

It stung, in his eyes, in his chest, at the back of his throat. He remembered Shepard’s cabin feeling too warm, too small. He remembered Shepard’s hand resting over his, Shepard’s blue eyes looking down at him, too naked, too deep, too much for Kaidan to handle. Three words, that was all, three very small, very heavy words. Shepard stroked his callused fingers over Kaidan’s knuckles, and whispered, “Kick some ass.”

The wrong three words. Shepard’s eyes like glass, fragile, stronger then they looked. Something had crawled up from Kaidan’s chest and lodged in his throat, and he couldn’t speak around it. He’d waited for Shepard to say something else, to explain why his fingers felt so damn good on Kaidan’s skin, why his eyes set his body and mind and heart on fire, why they were sitting there in Shepard’s cabin, both of them wanting the other, and neither of them were making a move.

Instead, Kaidan had stood, passed his hand companionably over Shepard’s buzzed head, and left with a chuckled, “You got it, Commander.”

Except what he had meant to say was, _I love you. I need you. I want you. I don’t wanna live another day in this galaxy without your hands on me._

That was the thing about leaving so much left unsaid, eventually you ran out of tomorrows, and next times. Eventually there was no more time, and no ear to whisper your words into.

“Shepard,” Kaidan whispered.

There was no one there to hear him.

****

For six months Kaidan stayed in Vancouver, helping out with the rebuilding effort. He was with his mother when the news arrived that his dad hadn’t made it out. He held her while she cried, his own eyes dry and set forward. There was a slight twitch in his jaw. His chest constricted painfully, but he didn’t cry. There was too much to do, too much to set right. He attended the service for his old man dressed in his military blues, and he closed his dry eyes when he was lowered into the earth.

“I don’t have to go, mom,” Kaidan said. They were sitting on the front porch, both of them drinking lagers, a month after his father was buried. English Bay looked damn good in the fading sunlight. Like something from a dream.

His mother reached out and laid her hand over his. “Go,” she said, “I’ve always said you make this world a better place just by being in it, Kaidan. Go where the people need you to make things a little brighter.”

Kaidan had always been something of a good boy, and he wasn’t going to argue with his mother. He left for London a few days later, landing with the sun just starting to rise. There was a comfortable monotony to military work; he could hardly count the days as they passed his first few months in London. Everything blended together. Help there,, run the mercs out of here, do this, do that; it was pleasantly redundant.

He checked his Omni-tool and saw an email from his mother with the subject line; **Did you hear?**

Chances were good he hadn’t heard. Kaidan spent most of his time with his head down.

**They found something in the rubble on the Citadel. Something to do with Shepard.**

He managed to get Hackett. The quality was less than stellar, but through the static, Kaidan could hear Hackett saying, “Not sure yet. Still need... to find out... doing our best to see if this is a recovery... scue.”

“Say again,” Kaidan said.

“I don’t have anything for you, Major,” Hackett said. “Be... tient...”

Kaidan disconnected. Military protocol could, in that moment, jump out a window. He had been patient for nearly a year, what more did Hackett want from him? For most everyone else, they had lost an icon, a hero, a myth that some of them had most likely never even seen. They hadn’t sat with Shepard and watched his brow wrinkle with worry or stress. They hadn’t touched his hand and felt electric sparks wander from their fingertips to their chest. They hadn’t looked into his eyes, deep where he couldn’t hide, and seen just what kept him up at night.

He’d assumed Hackett would understand that. Apparently he had been wrong. Red tape and protocol were still the military’s bread and butter, apparently. Kaidan felt like putting his fist through the wall, or getting drunk. He did neither.

He went back to work.

****

A piece of his armor.

Ten months and that was what they found in the rubble. A piece of Shepard’s armor, the N7 scratched and faded, the stripe beginning to peel. There was a ceremony at the memorial in London, and Shepard’s armor was buried beneath the monument they were still building. It felt to Kaidan like the entire galaxy showed up to watch the scrap of metal get thrown into the ground. He stood between Hackett and Garrus as everyone spoke of Shepard and his sacrifice.

“It wasn’t a body,” Garrus said, later, after the fan-fare. He and Kaidan were drinking, a rare occurrence for Kaidan since coming to London. “If they think Shepard’s dead because they found a bit of armor, they don’t know Shepard.”

“I can’t let go,” Kaidan whispered, “Not over... Not over a piece of goddamn _armor_.”

Garrus grabbed his shoulder, squeezed. “They’ll find him,” he said, “Would I lie to you, Major?”

****

“‘Ey, Major.”

Kaidan dusted his hands off and turned to look James in the eye. A year was a long time. A person could change in that amount of time, if he worked at it hard enough. Kaidan was tired of looking away, of looking down, of leaving things unsaid. “Hey,” Kaidan said, “Been a while, James.”

“Yeah,” James said. He looked good. Better than good, actually. His smile lit up his face, and Kaidan’s stomach. “They wanted me to come to the memorial but I couldn’t get away. You know how it is. I ain’t gonna stand around sweatin’ my ass off to watch them put some hunka metal in the ground.”

“Hackett wouldn’t let me out of it,” Kaidan said. “I didn’t... Ah, no. I wanted to be there. I just... I wanted...” He sighed. “Doesn’t matter, does it?”

“No,” James agreed, “Galaxy never gave a shit what anyone wanted.”

Twelve months might have been enough time for a man to change, but it didn’t seem enough time for James to look as old as he did. There were lines on his face that hadn’t been there on the Garden, under Kaidan’s lips. “Working hard?” Kaidan asked. A stupid question -- of course he was working hard, they all were.

“Yeah. Got a promotion comin’ up. Kind of wild, isn’t it?”

“You deserve it,” Kaidan said.

James shrugged. “I better get back, though. Esteban’s gonna kick my ass if I make him handle all the paperwork.”

Kaidan nodded. He closed his eyes when James leaned in and kissed his temple.

“Real good seein’ you, Vanilla,” James said. His grin was still warm, and when he left, he took that warmth with him.

****

More than anything, Kaidan was tired.

Tired of swallowing words.

Tired of being afraid.

Tired of being _alone_.

“Let me make sure I understand you,” Liara said. Her voice was a little clearer than Hackett’s had been through the dim glow of Kaidan’s Omni-tool. Leave it to the Shadow Broker to get top of the line extranet connection. “You want me to procure a bottle of Canadian Whiskey.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan said.

“May I remind you, Major, that your _mother_ lives in Canada?”

“My mother isn’t the Shadow Broker,” Kaidan chuckled. “Whiskey’s hard to come by since the war.”

“Oh, please, broadcast that across the _entire_ extranet,” Liara said, dryly. “There may be two or three people who haven’t found out about my... business.” She paused, waiting for Kaidan to apologize. When the apology didn’t come, Liara sighed. “Is there a reason you couldn’t get Steve to procure this particular item for you, Kaidan?”

“He doesn’t have your connections,” Kaidan said, “And, you know, you and me... We go back a ways, Liara. I thought you’d want to help.”

“You do realize you’re emotionally blackmailing me.”

“I’m _attempting_ to,” Kaidan said.

Liara sighed, again, this time deeper in her chest. Kaidan knew he had convinced her before she said, “Alright, Major. I’ll see what I can do.”

 

****

Letting go, that was the thing. It was easier to hold on, to let faint hope guide your entire existence. Kaidan had learned that a long time ago. His first lesson had been Rahna; beautiful, sweet, a little shy. It had taken him years to let go, years to accept that in her eyes he was nothing less than a monster. Opening his hands, letting go, it had always come hard. He hadn’t been able to let go of Shepard’s involvement with Cerberus, either. That had hurt the most, that mistrust between them. He had looked at Shepard and not recognized him; not because Shepard had changed, but because Kaidan’s sight had been skewed.

How many months had he wasted, wallowing in that mistrust? How much time could he have better spent telling Shepard all the things he’d wanted to tell him?

Letting go, that was the thing. It was the thing that Kaidan struggled with. His heart wanted to hold on, but he was tired.

“Didn’t think you’d show, Vanilla.”

Kaidan held the bottle of whiskey awkwardly, tucked under his arm. He looked around James’ wide shoulders and into the condo behind him. Fancy digs for a military man, but Kaidan figured Vega had earned it. He held out the bottle, as awkwardly as he had held it, and gave James a crooked smile.

“You gonna invite me in, James?”

James stepped aside. “Hell yeah. Come on.”

There was a large window that looked out over the city. London was wounded, deeply and some would have said irreparably, but she looked pretty in the dark. Kaidan stood by the window, looking down at the darkened streets, still filled with rubble. “Hell of a view,” Kaidan said. “You know, looking at it like this, it’s hard to imagine the Reapers were ever here.”

James walked over and handed him a glass of whiskey. He was quiet, looking down on the city, drinking his whiskey slow. Kaidan washed his down in one gulp, feeling the fire hit in his stomach and crawl up his throat.

“James,” Kaidan whispered.

“Yeah, Major?”

“You ever love someone so much your heart just... gets stuck in your throat? I mean, have you ever wanted someone so bad it’s like an ache in your bones?”

“Yeah,” James said, resting his hand at the small of Kaidan’s back. “I have.”

“Mm,” Kaidan hummed, nodding slowly. “You know... I think I might be ready. To uncomplicate things.”

“We’re not different people,” James said, “Nothing’s changed.”

“Everything’s changed,” Kaidan said. “Everything. It took me a while to really feel it, but yeah. I’m alive. I’m here. I keep thinking of Shepard, and what he’d say to me. And I know he’d tell me to get off my ass and start living. Stop being scared. Stop being fragile. Stop pretending that I’m too soft to handle a rough landing.” Kaidan laughed, a sad sound, and closed his eyes. Not dry now.

“That’s what love is, isn’t it? A rough landing. A rocky take-off. Lots of turbulence and no place for people who don’t have courage to be.”

“Depends on who you’re with,” James whispered, pressing his lips to Kaidan’s temple. His favorite spot, it seemed. Maybe it was his soft landing, his place to rest his face and lips when the world was too big and too messy for him; rocked with too much turbulence. “I dunno, Kaidan... I think it can be soft if you want it to be.”

“No guarantees, Vega,” Kaidan said. “That’s a hell of a thing to learn when you’re my age and figure you have all the hard lessons learned already. Tomorrow isn’t a promise, it’s a possibility. And I don’t wanna go out there and find out all my tomorrow’s are over without telling you... Without saying...”

James’ lips touched his ear. “I love you too,” he said. He was young, and courageous, and a little stupid. The words came easier. Kaidan smiled, let his face turn and rest against James’ throat. The hand at the small of his back slipped higher, cradled his shoulder-blade, pulled him closer.

“Uncomplicated,” Kaidan said. He laughed and it was stronger, happier, even when there were tears on his face. “I like the way that sounds.”

“Giving up is a bitch,” James said, “Giving in is a lot easier, Major.”

Kaidan nodded against him.

He gave in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Commission for [yarnandtea](archiveofourown.org/users/yarnandtea) <3

**Author's Note:**

> Commission for [yarnandtea](archiveofourown.org/users/yarnandtea) <3


End file.
